The young woman who sat in front of me was wrapped in anxiety. It was obvious she had come to talk about a problem, but was having problems mustering up the strength to explain her dilemma. After allowing her a few moments of reflective silence, she began to open up.
"It's not that I don't like having sex with Tyler. We have been going out for a few months now and just recently decided to become more 'intimate'," she confessed nervously, while trying to keep her head high.
"Go on," I encouraged her, trying to get her to open up.
"Well – the problem is that Tyler is, how I say it, very, very large. I have a hard time pleasing him sexually because when we have intercourse, it hurts!" she blurted out, trying to mask her anxiety. "I am afraid that if I can't satisfy him sexually, he might find someone else."
Does her problem strike a chord of familiarity? If so, you are not alone. Many of my female clients discuss sexual relations as part of their overall therapeutic program. One of the more common complaints discussed by these women centers on sexual partners who are well endowed and thus, serve as a source of anxiety (and pain) during sex.
Here are three things I advise my clients:
1. Don't do anything you feel uncomfortable with.
Having sex with someone should be a mutually enjoyable experience. Prior to engaging in sex, set up some boundaries with your mate so that he knows what to expect and not to expect. There is nothing wrong with some basic rule setting before "getting busy". This will help to reduce anxiety and enhance the experience.
2. Anal or vaginal sex should be taken slowly.
Wanting to please your mate is certainly understandable, however trying to do too much too quickly can result in injury. Experts suggest taking your time when engaging in anal or vaginal sex, meaning that your partner should be acting in a way that is very, very slow and deliberate. He should be talking to you throughout the whole process, letting you know exactly what is happening and ready to pull out as soon as you say "STOP".
3. Consider other means of pleasure.
If you feel that your man is "too big" then don't try and force it! Try to discover mutually accepted forms of stimulation, such as masturbation, role-playing, etc. The point here is to not let yourself get boxed into situations that make you experience physical pain or anxiety.
CONCLUSION
Sex should be something that you enjoy, not fear. Remember to not do anything that you don't want to, take things slowly and look for other means of pleasure. And lastly, of course, always use protection. By following these simple precepts, you might just be well on your way to a happier sex life!
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