The young woman who sat in front of me was wrapped in anxiety. It was obvious she had come to talk about a problem, but was having problems mustering up the strength to explain her dilemma. After allowing her a few moments of reflective silence, she began to open up.
"It's not that I don't like having sex with Tyler. We have been going out for a few months now and just recently decided to become more 'intimate'," she confessed nervously, while trying to keep her head high.
"Go on," I encouraged her, trying to get her to open up.
"Well – the problem is that Tyler is, how I say it, very, very large. I have a hard time pleasing him sexually because when we have intercourse, it hurts!" she blurted out, trying to mask her anxiety. "I am afraid that if I can't satisfy him sexually, he might find someone else."
Does her problem strike a chord of familiarity? If so, you are not alone. Many of my female clients discuss sexual relations as part of their overall therapeutic program. One of the more common complaints discussed by these women centers on sexual partners who are well endowed and thus, serve as a source of anxiety (and pain) during sex.
Here are three things I advise my clients:
1. Don't do anything you feel uncomfortable with.
Having sex with someone should be a mutually enjoyable experience. Prior to engaging in sex, set up some boundaries with your mate so that he knows what to expect and not to expect. There is nothing wrong with some basic rule setting before "getting busy". This will help to reduce anxiety and enhance the experience.
2. Anal or vaginal sex should be taken slowly.
Wanting to please your mate is certainly understandable, however trying to do too much too quickly can result in injury. Experts suggest taking your time when engaging in anal or vaginal sex, meaning that your partner should be acting in a way that is very, very slow and deliberate. He should be talking to you throughout the whole process, letting you know exactly what is happening and ready to pull out as soon as you say "STOP".
3. Consider other means of pleasure.
If you feel that your man is "too big" then don't try and force it! Try to discover mutually accepted forms of stimulation, such as masturbation, role-playing, etc. The point here is to not let yourself get boxed into situations that make you experience physical pain or anxiety.
CONCLUSION
Sex should be something that you enjoy, not fear. Remember to not do anything that you don't want to, take things slowly and look for other means of pleasure. And lastly, of course, always use protection. By following these simple precepts, you might just be well on your way to a happier sex life!
A seasoned woman is spicy. She has been marinated in life experience. . . . She can be alternately sweet, tart, bubbly, mellow. She can be maternal and playful. Bossy and submissive. Strong and soft. . . . The seasoned woman knows who she is. She could be any one of us, as long as she is committed to living fully and passionately in the second half of life.
In her most groundbreaking work since Passages and The Silent Passage, bestselling author Gail Sheehy reveals a hidden cultural phenomenon-increased vitality in women's sex and love lives after fifty. Sex and the Seasoned Woman is the story of an intimate revolution taking place under our very noses.
Boomer generation women in midlife are open to sex, love, dating, new dreams, exploring spirituality, and revitalizing their marriages as never before. This is a new universe of passionate, liberated women-married and single-who are unwilling to settle for the stereotypical roles of middle age and are now realizing they don't have to. As life spans grow longer and as societal constraints continue to loosen, older women-once free of the exhausting demands of young children, needy husbands, and demanding careers-find themselves ready to pursue the passionate life. They embrace their "second adulthood" as a period of reawakening.
Written in Sheehy's singularly compelling style, combining interviews and research, this book gives voice to more than a hundred fascinating and colorful women. The inspiring stories tell of wives who reinvigorate their marriages after their children leave the nest as well as divorced, widowed, and long-single women who find new dreams and new loves. Sheehy delineates a crucial link between cultivating a new dream and reopening the pathway to intimacy and sexual pleasure. She also examines the latest medical breakthroughs addressing symptoms that have unnecessarily curtailed women's sex lives.
From women who find their sexuality reawakened by a younger lover, to couples whose marriages survive health crises and grow stronger, to women who finally find a soulmate in their sixties, to stories from seasoned sirens in their seventies, eighties, and even nineties, these portraits cover an enormous range of experience. In them, Sheehy locates the universal patterns that enable us all to recognize and understand our own lives.
My first glimpse of what I came to recognize as a seasoned woman came in a chance encounter at an Oakland restaurant. A popular entertainer who was seated at the next table overheard me talking with my husband about my book. She leaned over to ask what it would be about. "It's about sex, love, and dating among women over fifty," I blurted out.
The entertainer's dinner companion rolled her eyes: "She's the poster girl for dating and sex after fifty!"
The entertainer, whom we'll call Bebe to protect her anonymity, was eager to elaborate. Bebe had been raised in the South with parents who were in love until the day they died. She had fully expected that she, like they, would marry for life. And happily, she had enjoyed an extended sexual honeymoon with the man she married in her twenties. It was in her forties that Bebe began to notice the cracks in their marriage. "But it's like you see a hairline crack in the wall in your California house and you say, 'Not to worry.' A couple of years later, you notice the crack is now a quarter inch wide-don't panic, it's a plaster thing. Then one big shake and the whole house tumbles down and you say, 'Wow, how did that happen?'"
In retrospect, she understands. Her frustration with her marriage was an echo of the complaint that fortyish husbands used before feminism went mainstream: "I've grown and, unfortunately, she hasn't." In Bebe's marriage, as in many more today, it was the husband who resisted taking risks to grow. It took her five years to get up the courage to ask for a divorce. She took that final step a few months before her fiftieth birthday.
"You must be crazy," she told herself. "You're going to spend the rest of your life home alone watching reruns of The Brady Bunch." But it wasn't like that at all. Quite the opposite, she says; it's been the greatest adventure of her life.
The sociologist in me cast about for a context into which to fit this revelation. In fact, even while Bebe was settled into staid married life, a new public square of midlife singles was being flooded with divorced and never-married women and men. All the old rules were up for renegotiation. What was it like out there? I prodded.
In the first couple of years after her divorce, Bebe said, she had felt shell-shocked. "I went through a stage of mourning and learning to be alone. But people kept coming into my path. I met men at the airport, the grocery store, at church. Because once I started opening my eyes, there were really men everywhere. It wasn't like I was shopping, but they were flirting with me, talking to me, asking me out." Her therapist told her, "You have a neon sign on your forehead that blares: Available."
"Pretty young women with firm bodies scared me as long as I saw myself as having to compete with them," she explained. "But what I found is I'm not in the same pool as they are. The older men who are looking for twenty- or thirty-something hard bodies are not the men who would look at me to begin with. These are two different universes."
Bebe's first dating experience turned the usual calculations on their head. He was a young man she met in church-and not just a little younger, fifteen years younger than she. "I was flabbergasted," said Bebe. "I was thinking, 'This gorgeous young man wants to go out with me?' " She bit the bullet and asked him, "Do you really know how old I am?" He said he didn't care. She told him anyway: fifty. He didn't seem fazed. He said she was smart and interesting and he just liked talking to her; he wanted to pursue it.
I asked Bebe if it was a revelation to her to have sex with somebody that young after living so many years with her husband. Her eyes danced and her voice jumped an octave.
"Oh, yeah! It was quite wonderful." Bebe quickly qualified her expectations. "I never looked at him as somebody I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I don't think he looked at me in that way, either. For six months we enjoyed each other's company and had a lot of fun. I believe people come into your life for a reason. He was the one who came into my life to say, 'It's gonna be okay, you can do this.' Getting over that hurdle was the big one."
Most of our grandmothers would find this a strange conversation. Half a century ago, there were certainly exceptional 50-year-old women who had lovers, and married people in their sixties and seventies who still enjoyed each other sexually. But it wasn't the norm. As the boundaries of our life span continue to expand in startling ways, the social definitions of age have shifted with the force of tectonic plates, altering just about everything.
Not all of us are as flashy as Bebe, nor do we all want to be, but I soon found that she is at the forefront of a trend. She is honest enough to admit that she misses some things about marriage. "When it was going well, we had great companionship." But like most women over 50 who can afford to walk away from a relationship if it has become a safe but hollow shell, Bebe savors her independence. She may have a neon sign on her forehead blinking Available, but it doesn't advertise Looking for Husband. She is looking for fun, companionship, maybe intimacy, but definitely satisfying sex.
* * *
Sex and the Seasoned Woman is a book about a new universe of lusty, liberated women, some married and some not, who are unwilling to settle for the stereotypical roles of middle age. We are rediscovering who we are, or who we'd set out to be before we became wrapped up in the roles of our First Adulthood, when our primary focus was on nurturing children, husbands, or careers-or all three.
Millions of women today have struggled through all the predictable crises of their Tryout Twenties, Turbulent Thirties, and Forlorn Forties, and are bursting out into a whole new territory. Men, as they approach their fifties and sixties and start feeling the push to retire, often get a little shaky, wondering, Who will I be once stripped of the robes and powers of my position in the workplace? Women have changed robes so many times, they're ready to strip down and start fresh, feeling a boost of independence, exhilaration about what could lie ahead, and a surge of new powers.
What makes a seasoned woman?
Time.
A seasoned woman is spicy. She has been marinated in life experience. Like a complex wine, she can be alternately sweet, tart, sparkling, mellow. She is both maternal and playful. Assured, alluring, and resourceful. She is less likely to have an agenda than a young woman-no biological clock tick-tocking beside her lover's bed, no campaign to lead him to the altar, no rescue fantasies. The seasoned woman knows who she is. She could be any one of us, as long as she is committed to living fully and passionately in the second half of her life, despite failures and false starts.
Single boomer women like Bebe are not the only ones who are actively, even aggressively, seeking romance again, declaring their right to sexual satisfaction, and dreaming new dreams. Their boldness has caught on with "ladies" of earlier generations who were taught that their role was only to oblige their husbands and pick up after their children.
Margaret, an old friend and former radical who was still married to her only husband and living in rural New Hampshire, confided to me how shocked she was to hear stories from her contemporary female friends who are divorced or widowed in their sixties or seventies. "They're having romantic escapades with young guys, they talk about erotic discoveries, a couple of them have fallen in love again, but they want relationships beyond conventional marriage." Margaret still thought of herself as the free spirit who had walked the wild side in the 1960s. "I was the rebel, and they were the stick-in-the-muds. Now I'm the old married fuddy-duddy."
But you do not have to break up your marriage to change your life. Long-married women are also waking up to the possibilities of postmenopausal sensuality and proposing new contracts to shake the staleness out of their relationships and release their deferred creative energies. I met a California couple in which the husband had given up a stressful career as an attorney to help his wife pursue her dream: opening her own bookstore. Life partners who help each other feed and grow their passions can enjoy the magnified rewards of a marriage revitalized in middle life.
Counting Backward
Just how old is a seasoned woman? I define it very much the way Auntie Mame's friend Vera did when asked, "How old are you, anyway?"
"Somewhere between forty and death."
It's not over at 45 or 50, "it" being sex, intimacy, discovery of a new identity and a new passion in life. On the contrary, it begins all over again. Today, 50 is the start of a whole new cycle. You may have already lived an entire adulthood, but now you are at the beginning of another one-a portion of the life span that I identified in 1995 as our Second Adulthood.
Women's lives are long and have many seasons. As contemporary women, if we're healthy, we will likely be around longer than our mothers were. As I first reported in New Passages, epidemiologists say that a woman who reaches the age of 50 free of cancer and heart disease can expect to see her ninety-second birthday.
In our First Adulthood, we are consumed with just getting from A to B to C: pulling up roots from our parents, testing and proving ourselves as provisional adults, developing the capacity for intimacy, gaining the skills and credentials to support ourselves, and putting down our own roots. Given the prolonged American postadolescence-which for many middle-class women and men now stretches to the end of the Tryout Twenties-the First Adulthood today runs roughly from the age of 30 to 50. The years from 50 to 80 or 90 represent an even longer span. What to do with all the time left? People who try to hang on for dear life to what they had in their First Adulthood-the same dewy looks, the same high-energy job, the same steamy sex-may become their own worst enemies. A positive anticipation of our Second Adulthood allows for much less anxiety and greater flexibility.
A seasoned woman is not defined merely by her chronological age. Her inner image, including the ability to shed many of the roles that defined and confined her in earlier life, is equally important.
By the time you are 50, you have probably come to know yourself pretty well. You are better at separating possibilities from illusions. It's possible to learn to fly or start medical school or launch a cable TV show-we'll read about women who did-but illusory to assume that you can keep winning air shows or delivering babies or looking as foxy on TV as younger competitors. At some point you will probably want to change the emphasis of your work and take on the additional role of teacher, mentor, or guru.
Time is perceived differently after 50. People begin counting backward, thinking in terms of years left to live. But that may be forty years or more, and we can elect to make something magnificent of it. This is a huge cultural shift, making possible what I call the Pursuit of the Passionate Life.
When you stop to think about it, you probably know a seasoned woman who has embarked on a new life. Maybe it's an old college friend. Or perhaps it's your own mother and you're having a "Mom's run wild!" reverse-roles reaction. I've interviewed enough women whom I describe as WMDs-Women Married, Dammit!-to know that many wrestle with a rhetorical question almost as vexing as Hamlet's dilemma: to leap or not to leap? Is it nobler for a woman to stick with a stultifying marriage or better to step off into the unknown? Or perhaps you're widowed or divorced but not really "out there"-and wondering what it's like for women who do take the leap.
The Wild-Haired Years
The widow who first came to my mind was Peggy, a professor of political science at a prestigious college, whose story I told in New Passages. A flaming redhead with an infectious laugh, Peggy waged five years of a gallant battle with her husband, Chuck, against his prostate cancer. Once widowed, Peggy was forced to learn to be alone. Her first solo vacation she spent in the Canadian Gulf Islands, plunging into the chilly sea every morning at dawn and rising, refreshed and tingling with life, like Venus from the sea. "It made me feel like I could be a spicy woman again," she told me. "It's ironic. When nothing bigger can happen to you in a negative sense, you feel invulnerable. Since he's gone, I'm more me than I ever was. I dare more. My first question now is always 'Well, why not?' I call it my wild hair. When I don't have my wild hair, I'm sad. But when I have it, there's a certain elation."
After passing her sixty-fifth birthday, Peggy met an interesting man at a political rally. They saw each other a few times for dinner and conversation, though "having another romance was the furthest thing from my mind," she told me. "But one day the fun-loving Peggy in me picked up the phone on the spur of the moment and invited this man to go to Big Sur for a weekend. I thought, 'Well, why not?' "
When Jack pulled up at her house in his dashing black Lexus, Peggy was in jeans at her sink doing dishes. At the last moment, hearing her mother's censorious voice in her ears, she couldn't step over the line. She kept her hands plunged into hot soapy water and mumbled, "I can't do this, I'm sorry." Jack suggested that it would be just a relaxing getaway weekend. Peggy demurred: "I know, but we both know where this is going." Jack kept gently filibustering. She asked him to wait in the car.
"In a wild-haired moment, I grabbed the first thing I could find-a big black garbage bag-and stuffed some clothes inside before I could change my mind again." When Peggy emerged from her kitchen, Jack wondered, No suitcase? Had she chickened out after all? He just hadn't noticed what she was dragging behind her.
Jack laughed. He caught her spirit of spontaneity, and on their arrival at the exclusive waterfront inn, he handed the garbage bag to the doorman with a flourish. He watched with a sexy gleam in his eye as Peggy swept into the lobby with the light-footed grandeur of a duchess.
Less than a year later Peggy agreed to marry Jack, provided they both accepted an agreement: she would continue teaching, and each of them would keep their own home and sense of community. Peggy shifted her emphasis into creating reentry programs at local colleges for women who have been divorced, abandoned, or widowed and have to start over again, as she had. In their eight years together, she and her adoring new husband have traveled just about every continent and shared adventures. Most recently, they sailed the Croatian coast with Jack skippering and Peggy and her children as the crew.
The most indelible change has been in Peggy herself: she hasn't lost her wild hair again, not for a moment.
By Julia R. Heiman, Ph.D., Joseph LoPiccolo, Ph.D.
Both of you are probably missing a lot of the good feelings that touching different parts of your body can provide. The massage exercises we describe are called sensual because they encourage you to appreciate more than just sexual or genital feelings. There is no real difference between "sensual" and "sexual," of course, but we would like you to attune yourselves to feelings other than genital ones and mutually pleasurable activities other than sexual ones, such as intercourse or oral-genital sex. We will not elaborate on any particular massage techniques, but we have listed in the bibliography some massage books that couples in sex therapy have used with good results. What we want to outline for you are the general principles of a sensuous massage, with specific hints to help you experience as much satisfaction as possible. Feel free to expand on whatever you learn here.
1. First, set a mood for your massage. You can make the atmosphere as relaxed or romantic as is agreeable to both of you. Make sure the room temperature is comfortable for being nude together and that the light is not too glaring — candles or dimmed lights are especially nice. Put on relaxing music if you like.
2. Choose a time of day when you can have privacy and uninterrupted time together (thirty minutes to one hour, if possible). You may want to do this just before you go to sleep, but watch out for fatigue — it can make you edgy and decrease your ability to enjoy this experience.
3. Try to spend a little time together before you begin. You may want to talk or have a glass of wine. Or try sharing a shower or bath together first.
4. The main purpose of this experience is to increase your pleasure and awareness of your partner's response to physical — but not necessarily genital — stimulation. You will be taking turns caressing, stroking, and rubbing different areas of each other's bodies. Although you may find yourself becoming aroused, this is not the goal, and you shouldn't try for arousal. The first few times you do this, we would like you to massage any areas except the genitals and the woman's breasts. Explore the toes, feet, thighs, tummy, arms, face, hair, and buttocks. Do this slowly — allow at least ten to fifteen minutes for each of you. Remember, this is supposed to be sensuous, not a rubdown, so try light touches as well as strong kneading touches. Use your palms, fingertips, or fingernails; pieces of material or fur; or your lips or hair.
Do not massage each other simultaneously — it's impossible to experience a massage as intensely as you might if each person takes turns.
5. As you take turns, it's important to talk to each other about what feels good and what doesn't. The person being massaged should try to say what he or she is feeling, such as, "Good, harder, easy, use your nails more, go slower, mmm," or, "Yes, that's great," fairly often in order for the person massaging to be able to give the most pleasurable stimulation. The person massaging might say, "How's this?" or "Does it feel better here?" if he or she is unsure about the other's feelings. It's extremely important to communicate your likes and dislikes in a clear way. Communication allows you to give and receive pleasure in personal, more meaningful ways. Everyone has different needs and pleasures, and they change as people change. By letting each other know what feels good, you help make each massage (and later each sexual experience) less routine, more spontaneous, and more intimate.
6. On the third or fourth session together, you can include breast massage, but continue to explore different strokes and touches that each of you likes.
7. Gradually, by the sixth or seventh massage, or whenever you both feel comfortable about it, add each other's genitals into your massaging. (You may want to wait until you are at chapter 9.) Again, the idea is just to give yourselves pleasure, not arouse each other. When it comes time to include genitals in massage, it is often tempting to zero in on those areas and forget about the rest of the body. This can build anxiety and reduce the total pleasure of the experience. So, when you do begin to explore the touching of genitals, try including them as just another source of pleasure and spend a proportionate amount of your massage time there.
8. While you are being massaged, try to focus on the feelings at the place where you are being touched: Let your attention remain on those feelings. If your thoughts wander, bring them back to your physical feelings, and follow your partner's touch with your mind. This will help you get more pleasure and relaxation out of the massage. Remember, when you are being massaged, you have no responsibilities except to communicate clearly — verbally or nonverbally — what feels good and what would feel better.
9. If you find that these sensual massage sessions are not going well (or if they are and you just want to try something different), try changing the focus of your sessions. Instead of focusing on giving your partner pleasure, try massaging in ways that give you the most pleasure. The only restriction is that you do not do anything that is painful or in any way distressing to your partner. The partner who is being pleasured is to relax and focus on his or her feelings rather than to guide or direct the massage. Often, people who were anxious or upset while focusing on their partners' pleasure are able to relax and enjoy massaging in this demand-free way.
All of the above suggestions have been useful for other couples. In addition, some couples like to try massaging with different lubricants (oils or lotions, for example) in order to change the friction and texture of the massage. Oils tend to intensify the touches you experience and make your skin feel warmer; lotions tend to make the skin feel cool and are sticky after they dry. Powder is another possibility, and any of the above in some perfumed fragrance can be nice. The genitals are extremely sensitive, so don't use anything except a sterile lubricating gel when massaging them. K-Y and Astroglide are two such lubricants and are available over-the-counter in most drugstores. Explore and find out what's good for you.
Keep in mind that if you are in a bad mood, very tired, very distracted, or angry with your partner, it will influence how completely you are able to enjoy sensual massaging. Sometimes you will be able to overcome whatever is bothering you by letting the enjoyment of the moment take over; at other times you may not be able to let go of what's bothering you. If you find that a sensual massage experience isn't pleasurable or is making you feel bad, stop and try to discuss with your partner what is interfering. This gives you a chance to share feelings and to begin to deal with any difficulties.
Okay. I need to make a clarification right here. While it's true that some strip clubs do feature all-nude dancers, the club where I work does not. I do not and have not ever danced completely nude. Oh, well, except when I've just gotton out of the shower and my husband and two-year-old aren't around. And in that case, yes, I do dance completely nude sometimes. Anyway, in this chapter and throughout this book, when I say nude or naked, I'm really talking about being nearly naked—that is, wearing a G-string, high heels, and a garter. Alrighty, then. Moving on.
The first and most important reason why dancers are comfortable with their bodies is that they spend forty hours a week naked. Whether it's onstage, dancing for a customer, getting ready in the dressing room, eating dinner, or just having a chat, we're pretty much all naked, all the time. Okay, we're not really naked, as I've just explained, but we're as close to it as you can possibly get without losing our liquor license. To find out exactly why spending so much naked time increases a stripper's sexiness, let's first take the sex out of it.
As I mentioned in the Introduction, one of the misconceptions about dancers is that we're nymphos, and that we only dance for a living because we're too horny all the time to work at oh, say . . . McDonald's. I then went on to say that dancing could actually be quite boring. Which is absolutely true. For strippers, giving a dance isn't about being sexual. It's about work. Shaking our hooters and smacking our asses is just part of the job description. Giving a dance is about as sexual as typing up a progress report, and every bit as monotonous, too. You see, each dancer has a choreographed dance she does every single song, for every single customer, every single time. If we are asked to give a second dance, we just do it all again, backward. (FYI: It's the basic striptease, the steps to which you'll learn for yourself at the end of this chapter.) The dance doesn't flow out of our irrational sexual exuberance—it's carefully calculated so that you get to see what you came in for before the dance is over. So just ignore what the look on a dancer's face is telling you, or what she's whispering in your ear. There are only three things strippers think about while we're giving a dance: 1) Can I get this guy into the VIP room? 2) How much money have I made so far? and 3) Have I shown him my butt yet? So, you see, even though dancers spend a lot of time naked, it's in the nonsexual context of being at work.
This just so happens to be the exact opposite of what civilian women do. In fact, most women only get naked for sex or, at least, sex-related activities. Think about it: If the only time you spend naked is in the shower shaving your legs and pits in case your man comes over, or getting dressed to look good for getting undressed for sex, then that means the only time you spend naked is time you are worrying about looking good for or pleasing your man. For most women, then, being naked comes unnecessarily weighted with a lot of anxiety and pressure. This influences even our forays into clothes shopping. If we're not trying to look good for our man, we're often trying to look good because of the judgments of other women. Either way, when you're worried about looking good for someone else, it's impossible to feel good about yourself. For dancers, once we're out on the floor working, we don't have time to obsess over whether we look okay. We just do the best we can, trust that it's good enough, let go, and get to work. By being naked so often, we become familiar with our bodies in a nonjudgmental way. This familiarity leads to a feeling of comfortableness. We feel confident taking our clothes off because we are comfortable with our naked bodies—we have nothing to hide. For you, then, the more you can remove the time you spend naked from a sexual context, or any context where you are worried about the judgments of others, the more you will feel comfortable with your body as it is. Ideally, seeing yourself au naturel should become second nature. You should be intimately familiar with your naked body, how it looks, and how it functions in all sorts of conditions and situations, not just sexual ones. Ask yourself: What do my naked thighs look like in the kitchen or in the basement? What does my belly do when I'm not sucking it in or covering it up? When we really get to know and respect our bodies is when we will stop dragging them around like the freaky friend we're too embarrassed to be seen with in public in case she does something weird. You should be so used to yourself that you become as unaware of your nakedness as a stripper is. The following exercises will help you to do it.
Exercise: Making Naked Time
1. Pick a chore you do around the house, when you are alone. Maybe it's washing the breakfast dishes after you pack the kids off to school. Maybe it's putting in a load of laundry, clipping coupons, or filing old bills. Find a chore you feel comfortable with, then take off your clothes and do it naked. It may seem ridiculous, but as I've said, strippers do boring, mundane things like eating dinner naked every day. You only need to do this exercise once to realize how different the dancer's attitude toward nudity and the average woman's is. If you're like most, the mere idea of going down to the basement naked to put in a load of laundry should be scandalous.
2. Everyone has time to sleep naked. If this is not something you ordinarily do, your man might take it as an invitation for sex, in which case you should have it, if you'd like. If it seems too abrupt a change from your ordinary full-length flannel nighties, begin slowly. For example, start with a T-shirt and jammy pants, then move on to a tank top and shorts. Gradually remove your clothing, week by week and piece by piece, until you feel comfortable falling asleep and spending a full night nude. Extra points if you include bedtime rituals you might have, such as reading a book or writing in a journal. The more naked time you spend, the more comfortable with your body you will feel.
After you've done at least one of these exercises, examine your thoughts and feelings about them. Did you feel uncomfortable or silly? Did you feel free? Or naughty? If you can, try exercise 1 a few times, until it becomes normal to do whichever chore you chose naked. This will jump-start your comfortableness with your own skin in a way that agonizing and analyzing never will.
2. Dance Naked
Now we're ready to add the sex back into it. Dancing is sexy. Dancing with unbridled abandon to a song you love is one of the most fun, freeing, joyful, and erotic experiences in the world. Even those people who claim they hate dancing secretly really love it. They're just scared to look like a total spaz in front of other people. Get them alone, in the privacy of their living room or shower or car, and they'll unleash their superfreak in less time than it takes to double-check that no one is looking. Love for dancing crosses all cultural, ethnic, financial, and generational bounds. Even churchgoing, cardigan-wearing Perry Como sang a song about getting all sweaty to the rhythms of the night in the 1950s hit song “Papa Loves Mambo.” Sample lyric: “Look at 'em sway with it / Getting' so gay with it / Shoutin' 'ole' with it, wow!”jassica kayla conrad
Ever wish you could have some "girl talk" with your gynecologist?
Here's your chance...
In her ob-gyn practice, Dr. Hilda Hutcherson has seen women of all ages who have questions about sex. Now, in this down-to-earth book, she answers those questions and more as she addresses every sexual matter that has an impact on the lives of women.
Combining up-to-date medical science with good old-fashioned girl talk, Dr. Hutcherson discusses sex in a lively tone that's as educational as it is engaging. With facts on female (and male) anatomy, aphrodisiacs, fantasy, orgasm, birth control, and more, she shows how to overcome sexual problems-and achieve sensational sensual experiences. Your mother may not have known what to tell you about sex, but Dr. Hutcherson will give you a real, honest education on sex and sexuality. And with a special chapter on talking to your daughter, you can pass your wisdom on to the next generation.
It was billed as the greatest day of my life by the man who was to be my husband. The room was toasty warm and filled with the sweet fragrance of roses. Soft music played. I'd planned for months for this moment. My "woman-of-the-world" roommate had taught me about birth control pills. I'd survived my very first visit to the university gynecologist. I was desperately in love and ready to give this perfect man the gift of my virginity.
He touched me slowly and gently. Softly. Lovingly. And as his hand brushed my breasts, my mother's "bad-girl" face appeared out of nowhere. "Good girls don't."..."Sex is only to please your husband."..."Don't let boys touch you."..."Keep your skirt down and your panties up." His hands touched my essence. Warm breath and moist kisses covered me. And as he neared my intact hymen, my preacher's "Thou-shalt-not" face materialized. "Fire and brimstone"..."Hell and damnation"..."Sin, sin, sin."
I dared not move. I dared not breathe. And just as Grandma's "Boys-are-no-good" face appeared, it was over.
"Are you all right?" He cradled me in his sweaty arms.
"I love you."
"I love you too."
I stared at the ceiling as silent tears scorched my face. Years would pass before I was confident enough to give myself permission to be a "bad girl" and celebrate the power of my sexuality.
The foundation of our sexuality and how we feel about sex is laid during childhood. Verbal and nonverbal messages from our parents, religious teachings, our culture and society all meld together to shape the sexual being that we are as adults. Traditionally it has been the job of the mother to teach daughters about sex; however, few women feel comfortable talking in detail about it. Don't blame Mom though, as it is unlikely that her mother was able to give her the complete story about sex. After all, mothers are a product of their environment. And many stories, myths, misconceptions, or complete silence have been passed down from generation to generation.
Most women assume that when it comes to the technique of lovemaking, their men will teach them all they need to know. What happens if your partner is a woman? What if your man doesn't have a clue? And who is teaching the men? Many boys learn about sex from their friends, and some depend on movies for the intimate details of making love.
In the twenty years that I have been an obstetrician and gynecologist, I have met thousands of women of every race, ethnic group, age, and socioeconomic class in America, and I have found that women's experience of sex is universal. We all share the same fears, myths, misconceptions, concerns, hang-ups, desires, needs, joys, and pleasures. Over the years, I have been asked time and time again to recommend a book that answered the basic questions that women have about sex. I studied what was available and found books that promised to teach you how to achieve hot sex, magnificent sex, mind-blowing sex, all-night sex, and incredibly outrageous sex. In my experience, most women would be happy if they got consistently satisfying, "good-enough" sex. A sprinkling of incredibly, outrageous, mind-blowing sex once in a while would be a wonderful bonus.
As women, we spend our lives thinking about and taking care of everyone else. Even when it comes to sex, many women feel that their partner's satisfaction is much more important than their own. Magazines at the checkout counters of every grocery store scream headlines expounding how to drive your man crazy in bed, how to make him beg for more, how to rope him, keep him, get him up, and get him off. Believe me, I agree that making your partner happy is important, but I also think that you need to spend just as much time and effort finding out how to increase the odds that you will be sexually satisfied as well. You must take responsibility for your own pleasure, because sexual satisfaction is your birthright.
Women are under a tremendous pressure to look perfect. When we fall short of society's look-of-the-moment, we don't feel attractive or sexy and have difficulty achieving the level of sexual pleasure that we are entitled to. Sadly many women are blind to the fact that the female body is beautiful. How did we allow "them" to convince us that women's bodies should look like that of a preadolescent boy? In an attempt to achieve a body type that is totally unnatural for most of us, we develop eating disorders, rob our bodies of nutrients, disturb our natural menstrual cycle, decrease our estrogen levels, and increase our levels of unhappiness and discontent. We worry about how we look during sex rather than how we feel. Often when I give a mirror to a woman to look at her sexual anatomy, she expresses displeasure and fails to appreciate the beauty, grace, power, and complexity of her female genitals. How did we allow "them" to convince us that our vaginas smell bad and have no feeling or that our vulvas are ugly or that the clitoris is the size of a small pea? Learning to love your self is the first step to enjoying sex and creating a fulfilling sex life. This book is written to give women the knowledge they need to begin to appreciate the wonders of female anatomy and sexuality. Chapters 1 and 2 take a look at the wondrous and exquisitely beautiful female body.
Ask a hundred women, "What is sex?", and it is likely that the majority will answer "intercourse." Yet many women receive no physical pleasure from intercourse. Expanding the definition of "sex" gives women options and the opportunity to find out what gives them the most pleasure. Chapters 4-12 present different ways that women may choose to express themselves sexually-and increase their sexual satisfaction.
In my practice, it is not unusual to see women who move between relationships with men and women during various life stages. According to the Hite Report, at least 17 percent of women have experienced sex at least once with another woman. Falling in love with a woman can be exhilarating and liberating but may sometimes be met with disapproval from family and others. Every woman, however, has the right to determine how she expresses her sexuality. In Chapters 7 and 9, I have included descriptions of specific sexual techniques that can be used when making love to a woman. And though this book is written primarily for women in opposite-sex relationships, most of the information applies equally to women-loving-women. It is impossible to cover the many dimensions of same-sex relationships and sexuality in this book, so I refer the reader to two excellent books listed in the resources section.
One of the keys to healthy sexuality is a healthy body. Chapters 13-15 discuss strategies for improving your sex life by improving your health and taking control of your body.
Female sexuality is not static; it changes over your lifetime. Pregnancy and menopause can significantly change the way a woman expresses her sexuality. Chapters 16 and 17 discuss how to keep the fires burning through these important life stages. Chapter 18 provides tools you can use to help your daughter grow up sexually healthy as well as happy and secure with her sexuality. We can break the cycle of myths, misconceptions, and untruths about female sexuality.
Satisfying sex can prolong your life and has been shown to decrease your blood pressure, decrease stress, strengthen your heart, and boost your immune system. Yet according to the NHSLS (National Health and Social Life Survey), 43 percent of women have sexual dysfunction. Mainstream medical journals have featured articles expounding the importance of sexual satisfaction in women's health and encouraging doctors to investigate the sexual problems of women. Pharmaceutical companies and researchers are working furiously to find a magic pill that will guarantee sexual ecstasy for every woman. While the attention to women's sexual issues is welcome, it is important that we don't make sex one more disease that needs to be treated. Chapters 19-22 discuss the many reasons that sex may not be great and offer tips to help you improve your sex life.
The keys to great sex are simple: feeling good about yourself, understanding how your body works-and that of your partner, knowledge of basic sexual techniques, willingness to experiment and ask for what you want, and, of course, caring and respect from your partner.hilda hutcherson
When was the last time you took a good look at your vulva? I'm not talking about anything clinical, kinky, or even sex-related-just taking a hand mirror and inspecting your genitals the same way you might examine your hands while you're doing your nails or look at your skin in the mirror when you wash your face. If you're like most women, looking at your genitals is probably not part of your usual routine. In fact, as children, most of us were taught not to look at, talk about, touch, or pay too much attention to our genitals at all. "Down there" was a private place. Additionally, female genitalia is naturally hidden-enveloped in soft folds of skin, covered by hair, and rather tucked away between our thighs-so it's no wonder our vulva has become a mystery-even to ourselves.
Beyond the woman-to-woman talk about menstruation, most mothers never sit down and describe the details of the vulva, vagina, or clitoris. (In defense of our moms, they may not know very much about the female body themselves.) Schools teach us more about dissecting frogs or turning proper French phrases than about the human body. In health class, the female sexual anatomy is not well taught: The conversation is reduced to talk of zygotes and dividing cells, accompanied by textbook graphics that rarely look like what we see between our legs. As girls, when we weren't trying to hide our developing bodies, we were whispering and giggling about sex, absorbing misinformation from friends who knew as little as we did. Magazines give ten tips for better sex, and novels describe heart-pounding accounts of sexual ecstasy, but these "resources" say little about the bodies involved-ours.
As we get older, we may listen to male sexual partners who claim to have been around. Unfortunately many men know little about their own bodies and considerably less about ours. Because many of us have been conditioned since childhood through verbal and nonverbal cues to think of our genitals as ugly, smelly, and unclean, we aren't able to fully enjoy intimate encounters because of fear that our partner will be turned off by the sight, smell, and taste of our genitals. Unlike men, who experience a veritable show-and-tell in the locker room, we can't compare our genitals to other women's. Unfortunately, we are often left wondering if our genitals are "normal."
We have few means of discovering the tremendous variability of the female sexual anatomy and discovering the truth about the fabulous female body. After years of ignoring that mysterious area "down there," it's no wonder we come to think of our genitalia as inferior, unattractive, unmentionable, and abnormal. When I pick up a hand mirror and ask the women who come to my office to look at their sexual anatomy, a too-common response is "Yuck! It's ugly" or "Am I normal?" I have never heard a woman exclaim "How beautiful!" Yet the female anatomy is exquisitely designed, miraculous, and beautiful. Getting to know your sexual body is vital for your physical health and sexual well-being because the more you know about your body, the more ways you'll discover to obtain pleasure and greater sexual gratification-and the more likely you are to know when something is amiss with your sexual health or sexual functioning. I find that when women begin to learn about their bodies and they begin to feel more comfortable with how their vagina acts and responds, they're intrigued by it-and usually quite empowered to take more control of their well-being-sexual and otherwise.
The Vulva
The part of your sexual anatomy that you can see is called the vulva-the external part of the genitals that includes the mons, labia minora, labia majora,, and the clitoris.
To begin your examination of your vulva, find a well-lit room and grab a mirror. Sit at the edge of a chair or prop yourself up on pillows on a bed, then arrange the light and the mirror so that your hands are free and you have a clear view of your vulva. If you've never taken a look at your genitals before, don't be surprised if you don't find them particularly attractive; your vulva is moist and hairy with textures, colors, and aromas unlike those found on any other part of your body. Learning to admire and appreciate your sexual anatomy will make it easy for you to accept, enjoy, and experience the full potential of your sexuality.
The Mons
The mons pubis, or mons, is a cushion of fat on top of the pubic bone that is covered with skin and hair. The hair begins to grow in as you hit puberty-around eleven or twelve years old. (We are not sure why we have pubic hair, but some scientists think that the hair may trap secretions containing pheromones, or sexual scents, that attract the opposite sex.) Over time, pubic hair may grow in thick or sparse, coarse or fine. It may be the same color and texture as the hair on your head, or it may be somewhat different. As you age, you may notice pubic hairs turn gray and begin to thin and grow sparse. Many young women intentionally shave away all their pubic hair, not just for a clean-cut bikini line, but because they say it makes their vulvas feel more sensitive. The mons contains many nerve endings, and some women find touch and massage of this area very stimulating. Others shave because they feel cleaner, or their boyfriends prefer the smooth feel of a bald vulva.
The Outer Lips (Labia majora)
The pubic hair continues down and over the labia majora, or outer lips. The outer surface of the labia may be smooth or wrinkled and darker in color than the surrounding skin. Don't be surprised if one of your labia is larger or longer than the other. You will notice that the inner surface of the labia is smooth, hairless, and moist because this area contains many sweat- and oil-secreting glands. (Oftentimes, my patients have mistaken the numerous large gland openings for genital warts or related conditions.)
These outermost lips contain fat, nerves, smooth muscle, and blood vessels, and they serve as guards, protecting the openings to the vagina and bladder. Erectile tissue deep within the labia swells with blood when you're sexually excited, and you'll notice that the lips feel full, swollen, tight, or tingly.
The Inner Lips (Labia minora)
If you spread apart your labia majora, you will notice two smooth, thin folds of skin called the labia minora. The sensitive inner lips are filled with blood vessels and spongy tissue and are covered with nerve endings and oil-secreting glands. Like the outer labia, the labia minora fill with blood and enlarge when you're sexually stimulated.
Don't fret if these inner lips don't look like the ones you have seen in books; the labia minora, more than any other part of our genitals, varies from one woman to the next. Your labia may be pink, burgundy, brown, black, or a mixture of colors. They may be so small that they are barely noticeable or large enough to protrude an inch or more beyond the labia majora. It's not uncommon for one to be larger than the other. They may be straight, slightly ruffled, or very wrinkled. (Contrary to the myth, neither wrinkling nor the size of your labia is increased by masturbation.) After twenty years as a gynecologist, I can tell you that no two women's labia look exactly alike. Each is unique, beautiful, and almost flowerlike. Occasionally, the labia are so large that they get snagged in underwear or pulled into the vagina during intercourse-both pretty uncomfortable occurrences. A surgical procedure can reduce the size of the labia, but it's not without risks, so it's usually performed only to reduce discomfort, not for cosmetic reasons.
The top of the labia minora come together and drape over the glans, or head, of the clitoris (which we'll explore a little later), forming the hood or prepuce. The hood is similar to the foreskin of an uncircumcised penis in that it protects the delicate glans. The labia meet underneath the clitoris at a point called the frenulum, which is intensely sensitive to stimulation. (Men have a frenulum as well, which we will discuss later.) The labia then continue toward your vagina and end just beneath the opening of your vagina.hilda hutcherson
If you look under the hood formed by the labia minora, you may be able to see a small pea or button-shaped mass, ranging in color from pink to purple to dark brown. That's your clitoris. If you don't see anything at first, don't worry. Sometimes it's difficult to see the clitoris even when you are sexually stimulated. Derived from the Greek word, kleitoris, meaning "divine and goddesslike," the clitoris has been the most ignored aspect of female sexuality in modern history. Many of us don't know where it is, how to find it, or its true size.
As a female fetus develops, the clitoris forms from the same tissue that becomes a penis in males-but it is not a "mini penis," as some people describe it. In many ways, this female organ is much more advanced! The multifunctional penis has to transport urine and sperm as well as serve as the main organ for male sexual pleasure. The clitoris is also the primary organ for female sexual pleasure-in fact, its sole purpose is pleasure.
The clitoris is much more than meets the eye. As you look at your vulva in the mirror, the clitoris may look like a tiny button of flesh hiding underneath the prepuce, but it is much more. Your clitoris is a complex, fascinating, and powerful organ.
The clitoris has a glans, shaft, or body, as well as crura, or legs. The shaft contains two corpora cavernosa, spongy tissue that fills with blood and increases the size of the clitoris when you become sexually stimulated. The average shaft measures 1-2 inches in length and a little over half an inch in width. But the clitoris doesn't end there. The base of the shaft attaches to the pubic bone and then divides into two crura, or legs, each measuring between 2 and 4 inches long. The crura follow and attach to the arch of the pubic bone. Extending from the base of the clitoris and lying between the crura and the labia minora are two additional masses of tissue called the vestibular bulbs. (This tissue is considered to be a part of the clitoris.) The vestibular bulbs fill with blood during sexual stimulation and make the opening to the vagina smaller, increasing the gripping and hugging of the penis by the vagina.
The size of the clitoris varies from one woman to the next. You may have a large clitoris that protrudes from its hood. Or you may have a clitoris that is so small that you can't easily see it (though you can usually locate it easily enough when you stimulate yourself). Your clitoris may appear to be very small if you have very large labia; if you're past the age of menopause, your clitoris may appear large because your labia have gotten smaller. Contrary to popular belief, neither masturbation nor frequent intercourse causes the clitoris to become bigger.
When it comes to pleasure and orgasm, size does not matter. With the right stimulation, even the tiniest clitoris can produce a powerful orgasm. The head of the clitoris is exquisitely sensitive, jam-packed with nerves that are larger and more numerous than the corresponding nerves in the head of the penis. The sensitivity of the clitoris also varies among women. Some women find that direct clitoral stimulation can be uncomfortable or downright painful, while others find great pleasure in prolonged stimulation of the head of the clitoris.
Pushing Your Pleasure Button
Although the clitoris is powerful, it must be handled with care. Once you learn how to stroke, massage, comfort, vibrate, rub, and love it, you are capable of experiencing divine pleasures.
Unfortunately, some people have heard that the clitoris is a small penis and think that they can treat it the same way they treat the male organ. Men may rub with gusto and suck vigorously, unaware that the pressure that works best for the penis can be too much for the average clitoris. If your sexual partner-male or female-is too energetic while manipulating the sensitive head of the clitoris, you may experience discomfort or pain. If you don't communicate clearly with your partner, your moans of pain may be mistaken for expressions of pleasure and lead to an even more intense stimulation of the clitoris. Many women tolerate pain, fake pleasure, and hope their partner will move on. Manhandling the clitoris may irritate it and leave you with a burning, swollen clitoris and labia, and difficulty walking or urinating that may last for days.
To fully enjoy the immense pleasure that the clitoris can provide-and avoid pain and discomfort-you must get to know your clitoris and what turns it on. Then you can help guide your partner in helping you experience ecstasy together. Lubricate your fingers well with a water-based vaginal lubricant or (since you're not using a condom that could be damaged by the oil) massage oil or other unscented oil. Now begin to stroke, massage, and explore your clitoris. Slowly slide your middle finger along the right side of the shaft of the clitoris and then the left. Now place your finger at the opening to your vagina and slide it up and along the head of your clitoris. Start at your mons and slide your finger down the top of the shaft, ending at the glans. Then place your index and middle finger on either side of the shaft and labia minora. Slide both fingers down the length of the shaft keeping contact with the sides of the shaft. As you reach the end of the clitoris, gently squeeze the clitoris and labia between your two fingers and, maintaining the squeeze, slowly move your fingers away from your body, bringing the clitoris and labia along for the ride.
If this is the first time you've explored your clitoris, this may not feel pleasurable. Keep trying: Repeat these strokes and others you may come up with, varying the amount of pressure you use and the speed of the strokes. Discover the area of the clitoris, the type and speed of stroke, and the amount of pressure that give you the most pleasure. Relax. As you become more comfortable with your body and your sexuality, you will be able to discover your particular trigger points.
Once you have learned what turns you on, describe your discoveries to your partner. Or better yet, let him watch you masturbate to learn what makes your clitoris rise to attention. Don't be shy. Many people are quite turned on by the sight of a woman pleasuring herself.hilda hutcherson
When I first approached women about their experiences with sex in their long-term relationships, many insisted that all they could contribute was "everything you would want to know about missionary style." And, as an aside, they jokingly offered to share all their "secrets" about how to "get [sex] over with as soon as possible." With this kind of frequent commentary from women in long-term committed relationships, I am not at all surprised by the number of people who are unhappy about their sex lives or, for that matter, having affairs and getting divorced.
My Passion Seeker friends and I conducted an unofficial count of all the women we knew who had an affair or were having an affair. We were shocked by the fact that each of us could think of at least two different women, and many of those women were now divorced or living with a strained relationship at home. Granted, some of these women had an affair in retaliation for their spouse's indiscretions, but they were nevertheless cheating (or had cheated) on their mate.
According to the National Opinion Research Center's Reports on Sexual Behavior, the number of wives cheating on their husbands in the United States is on the rise. Their findings show that in the last twelve to fifteen years, the percentage of previously or currently married women who have ever been involved in an extramarital affair has risen while the rate for men has remained about the same. This means that the "infidelity gap" has narrowed. (See "The Current Estimates for the United States" below.) An Internet search will bring up many Web sites geared toward women who are cheating - or wanting to cheat - or men who are looking for married women to cheat with. Reports vary widely as to the actual percentage of women in committed relationships who are cheating in the United States, but some experts put the number as high as 55 percent (see "The Current Estimates for the United States" below).
Letting the passion slip away from our relationship sounds like a quick way to become another statistic - one of the approximately 50 percent divorcing or the estimated 40 to 55 percent having affairs (see the list below). Of course, there are many other stresses on a marriage, but just as most marriage counselors will tell us, discontent in the bedroom is one of the biggest. What are we accomplishing by sticking our head in the sand and trying not to think about how much we miss the passionate newness of those early days?
Dua kaki jenjang wanita itu menopang tubuh sensualnya, memperlihatkan siluet yang menggairahkan. Bajunya hanya berupa secarik kain tipis transparan yang ketat melekat ditubuhnya, semakin menonjolkan lekuk-lekuk sexy kewanitaannya. Dua gundukan mulus didadanya seakan menantang. Bibir ranumnya yang dipulas gincu kemerahan basah berkilat. Tatapan matanya tajam sangat menggoda, membuat angan berkejaran liar dalam kepala. Halo halo Mak Z (yang cakep), Asmod (yang katanya ganteng hehe kenalan dung), dan semua kokiers diseluruh penjuru bumi. Kata-kata pembuka artikel saya ini pastinya menggambarkan seorang wanita penggoda beneran, iya kan. Sebenarnya sih artikel saya kali ini ingin mengajak KoKiers semua yang masih single lho...(kalo yang udah kawin tapi masih mau gatel ya monggo juga sih dosa ditanggung masing-masing hehe...) yuk kita menjadi wanita penggoda wuihhh...maksud lo?
Wanita penggoda disini bukan berarti wanita penggoda diperempatan lampu merah, ataupun yang berdiri mejeng sexy didalam box kaca seperti aquarium dan bukan juga wanita penggoda yang saya paparkan dalam kalimat pembuka artikel saya ini, bukan kok. Maksud wanita penggoda versi saya adalah wanita penggoda dalam artian positif, artinya wanita yang mampu memancing banyak lelaki untuk mengagumi maupun mengejar (bukan ngejar nagih utang lho) karena para lelaki terpikat akan daya tarik wanita tersebut. Bukan karena wanita itu berbaju belahan dada terbuka sampai pusar bukan juga karena wanita itu memelet-meletkan bibir basah bergincunya, bukan juga karena wanita tersebut bertubuh sexy yang seakan menantang untuk "makanlah aku". Bukan, sama sekali bukan wanita seperti ini.
Saya ingin membahas tentang wanita biasa yang bisa bikin penasaran para lelaki untuk mendekati, wanita yang suka membikin bertanya-tanya kaum wanita yang lain, "Ada apa sih didiri perempuan itu kok banyak laki-laki yang kecantol?", wanita yang memiliki daya pikat tersendiri, wanita yang memiliki apa yang disebut sebagai sex appeal ataupun daya tarik (yang pastinya bukan tarik tambang ataupun tarik becak hehe...).
Oh ya sex appeal disini nggak hanya khusus untuk kaum wanita yah, banyak juga pria yang memiliki daya tarik memikat tersendiri, mau tahu dong rahasianya?
Yuk sama-sama kita bahas disini. Ok apa sih definisinya Sex Appeal yang pasti nggak ada hubungannya dengan sex ditempat umum apalagi sex dikendaraan umum. Nih saya carikan definisi Sex Appeal dari berbagai sumber yaitu "Attractiveness to the opposite sex", "Power to interest or attract others", yang dalam terjemahan sebebas bebasnya yaitu daya tarik seksual yang dapat memikat lawan jenis. Daya tarik disini bukan berarti wanita tersebut harus tinggi, langsing, cantik, putih ataupun para prianya yang macho, ganteng, sekseh abis. Karena banyak kok diantara para wanita dan pria yang dilihat dari performance biasa-biasa aja, tapi kenapa mereka laris manis dan banyak peminatnya? yah karena itu tadi mereka punya yang disebut sex appeal atau daya tarik atau disebut juga pesona.
Nah diartikel saya kali ini saya mau sharing sama kokiers semua, Mak Z dan Asmod juga monggo untuk menambahkan. Kiat-kiat atau tips untuk memunculkan sex appeal alias daya tarik itu, sehingga disaat kita muncul ataupun berjalan banyak orang disekitar yang akan terpesona. Semoga tips ini dapat berguna bagi kokiers khususnya yang masih single.
Ok deh saya mulai dengan tips dari saya yah. (Note tips ini saya dapatkan dari pengalaman pribadi, pengalaman orang sekitar dan juga dari berbagai sumber bacaan).
Sudah jadi rahasia umum apabila kaum lelaki selalu melihat wanita dari penampilannya terlebih dahulu. Iyalah sampai ada kata pepatah "Dari mata turun ke hati". So bagaimana supaya kita sebagai wanita dapat menarik pandangan lelaki. Apalagi kalau ternyata kita hanya dikarunia wajah dan postur tubuh pas-pasan. Operasi plastikkah jalan keluarnya? ya nggak perlu se-extreme itu. Sebisa mungkin berpenampilanlah yang rapi yang disesuaikan dengan tempatnya. Jangan saltum alias salah kostum misalnya mau ketoko buku tapi menggunakan long dress dengan belahan tinggi dan sepatu high heel selayaknya mau pergi kondangan, bisa-bisa ada yang nyeletuk, "mbak pesta pernikahannya digedung sebelah".
Berdandan yang wajar jangan terlalu mencolok tapi tetap biasakanlah keluar rumah paling nggak wajah tersapu bedak dan lipstick juga rambut tersisir rapi.
Kalau memang ingin rambut dikuncir ataupun digelung, usahakan yang benar dan rapi jangan asal main kuncir ataupun gulung seakan baru bangun tidur langsung keluar rumah. Banyak terlihat kok mbak mbak yang sebenarnya cantik, tapi terlihat kusam, keringetan, berantakan dan memakai baju juga sembarangan alias nggak macthing. Nah kita yang sejenis aja akan melihat dengan tatapan, aduh apa abis pulang ngeronda langsung berangkat kerja ni orang? apalagi kaum lelaki apabila melihat perempuan yang seperti ini boro-boro mau menyapa atau ngajak kenalan, nggak kabur jauh-jauh aja masih mending.
Kebersihan merupakan hal utama.
Ayo mbak-mbak dan mas-mas jangan pernah lupa mandi dan setelahnya oles itu deodorant, pakai parfum (tapi sebisa mungkin jangan sampai wangi deodorant anda bertabrakan dengan wangi parfum dan juga tolong jangan pilih parfum yang wanginya menusuk tajam seperti minyak nyonyong.. uhhh please deh gimana orang lain mau tertarik wong berdiri sebelahan aja serasa mau semaput hehe...). Juga penting sikat gigi dan periksa kebersihan gigi. Nggak lucu apabila ada orang yang ngajak kenalan atau ngobrol tiba-tiba ada sisa cabe segede metromini digigi anda lagi asyik parkir..wuaduh.
Perbanyak pengetahuan.
Khususnya bagi para perempuan bekali ilmu sebanyak mungkin apabila anda ingin membuat para lelaki terpesona. Paling nggak selalu up to date dengan pengetahuan umum dan apa yang sedang terjadi disekitar. Apalagi apabila anda menguasai tentang politik, sport, music dan science biasanya topik itu yang paling membuat lelaki bergairah. Banyak lho laki-laki yang bisa tergila-gila dengan wanita yang smart dan enak diajak berkomunikasi dan bertukar pikiran. Percuma body sexy kalau pas diajak ngomong nggak nyambung, bener nggak tuh para lelaki? Jadi ayo para mbak jangan hanya ngabisin waktu seharian ngejar berita infotainment.Gosip artis ini jadi istri kedua pejabat anu, gosip artis ini kawin siri dengan penyanyi anu, ataupun gosip artis ini punya koleksi sepatu bermerk 4 lemari, so what gitu loh?
Tersenyum.
Ayo jangan pelit-pelit untuk tersenyum, senyum itu gampang kok, lagipula nggak akan berkurang uang dalam account bank kita apabila kita tersenyum. So senyum dong...Ada beberapa contoh teman laki-laki saya dulu yang naksir perempuan, tapi mereka mengurungkan niatnya untuk berkenalan. Dan mereka bilang alasannya, aduh itu perempuan jutek amat sih atau aduh tampangnya serius banget kek abis dikejar-kejar genderuwo dll dll...So why not just give a smile, wont hurt you anyway ... senyum...so simple.
Oh ya jangan takut apabila anda telah tersenyum tapi orang yang bersangkutan tidak membalas senyum yang anda lemparkan (mau lempar sepatu ya jangan), mungkin orang tersebut kaget dan nggak menyangka akan mendapat senyum manis dari bibir anda. Percaya deh ketika anda bertemu kembali gantian ia yang akan tersenyum duluan. Tapi kalau memang yang bersangkutan nggak kunjung tersenyum juga, ya udah why bother anda tidak akan rugi hanya karena telah tersenyum kepada orang lain bukan?
Tata krama atau manner.
Tanpa sadar mungkin anda orang yang bertemperamen tinggi, gampang meledak, gampang marah-marah ataupun menyumpah serapah. Sebelum melakukan hal tersebut seyogyanya tahan emosi anda dan lihat-lihat dulu sekitar. Saya juga punya teman lelaki yang bilang, aduh itu perempuan mulutnya nggak bisa dijaga amat, atau ada yang lebih kasar bilang itu mulut apa comberan baru aja diajak ngobrol udah bertaburan kata-kata mutiara gimana saya mau jadiin pacar, walah apalagi nanti harus dikenalin kekeluarga wah wah ngeri. Ada juga perempuan yang gampang main nyuruh-nyuruh. Perempuan seperti ini juga bikin takut lelaki untuk mendekati. Kaum lelaki itu unik, apabila perempuan terlalu mandiri mereka juga nggak suka karena merasa tersaingi, apabila perempuan terlalu manja nuntut ini itu mereka juga nggak suka karena merepotkan. Tapi mereka juga senang dianggap hero bagi kaum perempuan. Nah untuk mengakalinya, jadilah wanita yang mandiri tapi masih memberikan celah untuk para lelaki datang membantu dan memberikan pendapat.
So anda wanita single, apabila sedang menyukai seorang lelaki entah itu dalam dunia kerja ataupun bukan, cobalah sesekali minta pendapat tentang sesuatu pekerjaan ataupun masalah dengan laki-laki yang anda taksir tersebut, minta sedikit bantuan juga boleh. Walaupun for sure kalian bisa mengerjakan dan mengatasi hal tersebut, tapi nggak ada salahnya membiarkan para lelaki senang dan bangga telah bisa membantu kalian. Tapi jangan keseringan yah itu mah namanya ngelunjak hihihi...dan ini bikin takut para lelaki.
Selain senang berperan sebagai leader dan hero para lelaki juga sudah kodrat dari sononya sebagai hunter. Jadi bagaimana kita sebagai wanita menanggapinya, ya biarkan mereka menjadi hunter. Jangan menyalahi kondrat dan kita berganti menjadi hunter, karena biasanya nggak akan work out. Cara mengakalinya jadilah mangsa bagi para pemburu tersebut. Buat para hunter itu tambah penasaran untuk mengejar buruannya. Berlakulah jinak-jinak merpati. Ini membuat mereka tambah penasaran, jangan terlihat gampangan tapi jangan juga terlihat seperti tembok beton. Sebagai contoh, apabila anda sedang menyukai teman sekantor, sepermainan ataupun seorganisasi. Berusahalah agar anda dapat menjalin komunikasi dengan orang tersebut. Cobalah lihat apakah ada kesamaan hobi, ataupun kesamaan pandangan antara anda dengan orang tersebut.
Lakukan eyes contact selama berbicara dengannya dan jangan lupa senyum selalu tersungging dibibirmu neng. Ohya eyes contact itu maksudnya sesekali pandang dalam matanya. Tapi jangan terus menerus dan juga jangan kelamaan (kalo ini sih ntar disangka ngajak berantem lagi). Begitu juga apabila anda sedang ada ditempat public seperti restaurant, cafe, mall, atau toko buku. Nah apabila ada laki-laki yang terlihat ok, just give him a smile. Dan lihat kelanjutannya, kita bisa tahu apakah yang bersangkutan juga tertarik. Apabila iya, berikan eyes contact, ingat jangan kelamaan menatapnya dan juga jangan malahan nunduk malu-malu. Biarkan semuanya berjalan wajar, jangan ada pikiran wah laki-laki itu akan jadi pacar gue, atau akan jadi suami gue, aduh malu nih, atau wah laki-laki itu keknya naksir juga. Hal-hal seperti ini bisa bikin anda kelihatan resah, kegeeran ataupun too excited, santai aja take it easy. Anggap aja lelaki itu hanya seorang teman biasa anda. Jadi anda bisa bersikap relax dan dari ketenangan sikap anda membuat anda tampil menawan tanpa kesan berlebihan ataupun dibuat-buat.
Percaya Diri.
Ini sih udah kudu, ayo sekarang udah bukan lagi zamannya para wanita harus malu-malu kucing dan merasa rendah diri. Saya punya banyak contoh teman saya yang selalu merasa kurang menarik, kurang tinggi, kurang langsing, ada juga yang kurang gemuk, merasa hidung mancung kedalam, betis laksana talas bogor sehingga karena perasaan-perasaan ini membuat mereka jadi cenderung pemalu dan nggak berani menunjukkan kwalitas diri mereka sebenarnya.
Ada teman yang baru juga didekati sama lelaki udah merasa grogi, resah bahkan kebelet pipis padahal ngobrol juga belum, ada juga yang naksir seorang jejaka tapi ampun saking takutnya nggak berani lewat didepan lelaki tersebut alih-alih selalu muter menjauh. Kalau terus seperti ini gimana para lelaki diluar tahu apa keinginan anda, bagaimana mereka melihat inner beauty yang ada didiri kalian kalau kalian sendiri yang sibuk menutup-nutupinya. Come on manusia nggak akan pernah puas akan dirinya, selalu merasa kurang ini kurang itu, jangan terlalu dipusingkan. Percaya deh laki-laki nggak selalu mencari perempuan yang bertubuh langsing ataupun perempuan model pepaya ranum (hehe bang Ndut minjem istilahnya yah). Ada juga kok lelaki yang lebih senang wanita bertubuh bohay ataupun gemuk begitu juga ada lelaki yang memang penyuka model pepaya mengkal ataupun jambu klutuk.
Saya dari dulu masih single model jambu klutuk eh sampai sekarang pun masih jambu klutuk nggak berubah jadi jambu bangkok ataupun melon tapi tetap aja percaya diri kok.
Humor.
Yya humor juga penting lho...jangan apa-apa terlalu dibawa serius. Ada saatnya anda harus serius ada saatnya juga nikmati acara berhaha hihi. Terkadang orang yang terlalu serius memandang segala sesuatu membuat mereka mejadi sensitif, gampang tersinggung dan gampang marah. Dan seorang perempuan yang menyenangi humor akan digandrungi para lelaki, percaya nggak? saya juga punya beberapa teman lelaki yang pernah bilang, "ya ampun ntu cewek serius banget sih, nggak bisa bercanda dikit juga jadi stress deket dia deh", "ihhh itu perempuan ampun deh sensitif banget, baru diajak bercanda dikit aja udah marah, galak amat sih ngeri sama yang begini nih". Buat para lelaki, perempuan yang menyukai humor ini pointnya sama penting seperti perempuan yang smart. Betul nggak kangmas?
Tertawalah. Sama seperti tersenyum, tertawa juga membawa energi positif kedalam diri anda dan orang disekitar anda. Tapi jangan terus-terusan ketawa sementara nggak ada yang lucu kalau ini mah anda bakalan di cap gila bukannya penuh pesona. Tertawalah yang wajar. Jangan juga tertawa palsu ataupun terlihat dibuat-buat supaya terlihat menarik. Salah besar saudari, karena orang lain akan tahu apakah tertawa itu tertawa yang wajar ataupun tertawa basa basi saja. Tapi jangan pula tertawa ngakak setinggi 7 oktaf atau lebih. Wuih yang seperti ini juga bikin lelaki malas untuk mendekati.
Saya punya contoh seorang teman saya sebut saja S yang asli cantik dengan postur tubuh menarik tapi disaat beliau tertawa...ya ampun kalau didengar Andrea Bocelli mungkin bakalan diajak duet deh...melengking lengking nyaring bikin kuntilanak juga agak tersinggung soalnya merasa tersaingi. Alhasil setiap laki-laki entah itu yang berpotensi sebagai calon pacar ataupun teman agak-agak ngeri ngobrol dan bercanda dengan beliau, sungguh saya nggak bohong. Saya pernah memberi beliau saran, tapi dia bilang susah untuk ditahan ketawanya itu. Ada beberapa lelaki yang pernah bilang kesaya, aduh nggak mungkin gue bisa pacaran sama si S itu, nggak kuat sama ketawanya, nahlo...
Perhatian.
Berikan lelaki yang telah menarik hati anda perhatian secukupnya, ingat jangan berlebihan. Istilahnya berikan lampu hijau tapi jangan menggunakan istilah menjemput bola. Maksudnya berikan signal signal yang jelas kepada lelaki tersebut kalau anda available untuk didekati tapi jangan sampai seperti mengejar ataupun terobsesi dengan laki-laki tersebut, ini membuat laki-laki takut. Misal cukup berikan ia message, "udah makan siang belum? atau cukup pesan singkat seperti, "met having lunch yah". Jangan kirim pesan seperti, "Jangan lupa makan siang yah jangan sampai telat nanti perut kamu sakit dan juga pilih makanan yang bergizi ingat empat sehat lima sempurna" kalo yang kek gini dijamin lelaki itu jadi ngeri, waduh ini dokter apa nyokap dirumah hehe...
Begitu juga apabila anda telah jalan keluar dengan lelaki tersebut 1 atau 2 kali, jangan langsung perkenalkan si dia keseluruh anggauta keluarga termasuk tante, om, bule dan pakle. Tunggu sampai hubungan kalian benar-benar telah menjadi tahap "in relationship". Laki-laki takut loh bila tiba-tiba langsung diperkenalkan sama semua keluarga. Seriously saya punya temen laki-laki yang baru jalan beberapa saat sama cewek tiba-tiba ngajakin putus, setelah saya tanya kenapa dia jawab, ya ampun kitakan baru jalan keluar 3 kali masak gue udah diajak ke arisan keluarga besarnya dan dikenalin sama semua. Aduduh nggak ah ngeri sama cewek yang kek gini, nah lho...Jadi girls take it easy, play it low...
Ok deh mudah-mudahan tips dari saya berguna, khususnya untuk kokiers wanita yang sedang mengkal-mengkalnya hehe...yuk tebar pesona...biarkan pesonamu membuat para lelaki penasaran untuk mengejar. Kokiers lainnya yuk kita sharing mungkin ada yang mau berbagi pengalaman ataupun menambahkan tips yang telah saya tulis. Ditunggu yah.
So apabila anda bertemu, melihat ataupun berpapasan dengan wanita cantik nan sexy, menggoda, memakai baju yang nggak cukup bahan seperti yang saya paparkan diawal artikel lain kali jangan merasa sedih, malu ataupun rendah diri, ingat lirik lagu bagus dari diajeng Deborah Cox ini :
Don’t never let nobody bring you down girl Don’t never let nobody tear your world apart Look in the mirror and see who you are Beautiful You Are...
Jadi lihatlah para perempuan penggoda nan sexy itu dan tetapkan didalam hati, bahwa mereka nggak akan membuat diri anda merasa down. Karena anda juga dapat memancing lelaki untuk mendekati dan mengejar dengan pesona yang anda punya. Bangun kepercayaan diri yang solid dan kuat. Biarkan pesona memancar alami tanpa perlu membuka 3 kancing teratas kemeja anda...You go girls...
Sudah jadi rahasia umum apabila kaum lelaki selalu melihat wanita dari penampilannya terlebih dahulu. Iyalah sampai ada kata pepatah "Dari mata turun ke hati". So bagaimana supaya kita sebagai wanita dapat menarik pandangan lelaki. Apalagi kalau ternyata kita hanya dikarunia wajah dan postur tubuh pas-pasan. Operasi plastikkah jalan keluarnya? ya nggak perlu se-extreme itu. Sebisa mungkin berpenampilanlah yang rapi yang disesuaikan dengan tempatnya. Jangan saltum alias salah kostum misalnya mau ketoko buku tapi menggunakan long dress dengan belahan tinggi dan sepatu high heel selayaknya mau pergi kondangan, bisa-bisa ada yang nyeletuk, "mbak pesta pernikahannya digedung sebelah".
Selain senang berperan sebagai leader dan hero para lelaki juga sudah kodrat dari sononya sebagai hunter. Jadi bagaimana kita sebagai wanita menanggapinya, ya biarkan mereka menjadi hunter. Jangan menyalahi kondrat dan kita berganti menjadi hunter, karena biasanya nggak akan work out. Cara mengakalinya jadilah mangsa bagi para pemburu tersebut. Buat para hunter itu tambah penasaran untuk mengejar buruannya. Berlakulah jinak-jinak merpati. Ini membuat mereka tambah penasaran, jangan terlihat gampangan tapi jangan juga terlihat seperti tembok beton. Sebagai contoh, apabila anda sedang menyukai teman sekantor, sepermainan ataupun seorganisasi. Berusahalah agar anda dapat menjalin komunikasi dengan orang tersebut. Cobalah lihat apakah ada kesamaan hobi, ataupun kesamaan pandangan antara anda dengan orang tersebut.
